The Day After - conclusion
On Thursdays and Fridays, my Mom stays with us to watch the Chicken. I'm glad that she's been able to be there for the Chicken because I certainly haven't been able to be much of a parent to her over the last 24 hours.
And it's really funny that even though my dad is gone, I'm still shuttling back and forth between my two parents just like I did every weekend after their final separation.
I come home to my Mom and the Chicken playing with puzzles. The puzzles kind of drive me nuts. The pieces end up everywhere. I usually step on one of them a night. But I don't say anything about them because my Mom and the Chicken have the same look on their faces when the Chicken gets a puzzle piece in the correct spot - it is pure joy.
My Mom is worried about both me and Number 2 but she stops short of expressing it. She has a pained look on her face but she restrains from asking too many questions and justs lets me tell her what I'm ready to tell her.
"Do you need anything to eat?" she asks.
I haven't had anything to eat but I've had about 17 cans of Mountain Dew in the last 24 hours. No wonder I can't sleep.
"Nah. I'm not hungry. I need to wash Dad's glasses. They were pretty bloody and I'd like clean them up."
"Oh," she replied, "I've already cleaned them. They are on the counter."
Wow. I can't believe she did that. That couldn't have been easy. But I guess it was going to be easier for her to do it than for me to do it. She probably knew that.
I retrieve the glasses and take a long look at them. Although they've been cleaned, I can still picture the blood on them. But I can also see the Chicken grabbing them off of my dad's face and chewing on the lenses. I put the glasses up in the Chicken's room. They'll stay there for now.
The Commander calls to check in. Everyone that she's been at Space Camp with has been very supportive. I can tell that she feels a little out of the loop. She's grieving too and doesn't have anyone to do that with. I don't want to tell her how much I'm missing her right now. I don't want to spoil her experience. But I need her back because I know that I can't get through this without her.
The rest of the day is pretty uneventful...until I finally go to sleep and start to dream.
I don't remember too many of my dreams but this one has stuck with me.
I'm back at my Dad's and he's there with me.
There are other men in the room but I can't see their faces. I can really only feel that they are present in the room. My Dad is smiling but he has tears running down his face. He's wearing a Hawaiian shirt, shorts that are too short for him, Vans, and a really bad Greek sailor's hat.
He doesn't say anything to me but he reaches out for me.
My Dad gives me a hug.
He pulls away from me but is still holding on to me shoulders. The front door to his house opens and he walks out with the other men that have been in the room.
The door closes and I'm left alone in my Dad's house.
And then I wake up.
I'm left with the question - did my Dad really make a guest appearance in my dream to say goodbye or was this just the human brain trying to make some sense out of an unimaginable loss?
I'll never know but it doesn't matter. If it was just my mind playing some tricks on me, it was a good one.
The only thing that matters is that it did feel real.
I felt like I got to have a proper goodbye.
VW
And it's really funny that even though my dad is gone, I'm still shuttling back and forth between my two parents just like I did every weekend after their final separation.
I come home to my Mom and the Chicken playing with puzzles. The puzzles kind of drive me nuts. The pieces end up everywhere. I usually step on one of them a night. But I don't say anything about them because my Mom and the Chicken have the same look on their faces when the Chicken gets a puzzle piece in the correct spot - it is pure joy.
My Mom is worried about both me and Number 2 but she stops short of expressing it. She has a pained look on her face but she restrains from asking too many questions and justs lets me tell her what I'm ready to tell her.
"Do you need anything to eat?" she asks.
I haven't had anything to eat but I've had about 17 cans of Mountain Dew in the last 24 hours. No wonder I can't sleep.
"Nah. I'm not hungry. I need to wash Dad's glasses. They were pretty bloody and I'd like clean them up."
"Oh," she replied, "I've already cleaned them. They are on the counter."
Wow. I can't believe she did that. That couldn't have been easy. But I guess it was going to be easier for her to do it than for me to do it. She probably knew that.
I retrieve the glasses and take a long look at them. Although they've been cleaned, I can still picture the blood on them. But I can also see the Chicken grabbing them off of my dad's face and chewing on the lenses. I put the glasses up in the Chicken's room. They'll stay there for now.
The Commander calls to check in. Everyone that she's been at Space Camp with has been very supportive. I can tell that she feels a little out of the loop. She's grieving too and doesn't have anyone to do that with. I don't want to tell her how much I'm missing her right now. I don't want to spoil her experience. But I need her back because I know that I can't get through this without her.
The rest of the day is pretty uneventful...until I finally go to sleep and start to dream.
I don't remember too many of my dreams but this one has stuck with me.
I'm back at my Dad's and he's there with me.
There are other men in the room but I can't see their faces. I can really only feel that they are present in the room. My Dad is smiling but he has tears running down his face. He's wearing a Hawaiian shirt, shorts that are too short for him, Vans, and a really bad Greek sailor's hat.
He doesn't say anything to me but he reaches out for me.
My Dad gives me a hug.
He pulls away from me but is still holding on to me shoulders. The front door to his house opens and he walks out with the other men that have been in the room.
The door closes and I'm left alone in my Dad's house.
And then I wake up.
I'm left with the question - did my Dad really make a guest appearance in my dream to say goodbye or was this just the human brain trying to make some sense out of an unimaginable loss?
I'll never know but it doesn't matter. If it was just my mind playing some tricks on me, it was a good one.
The only thing that matters is that it did feel real.
I felt like I got to have a proper goodbye.
VW
posted by JVW at 9:52 PM
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