Here's where the story ends

It's time.

It's probably been time for a while but I didn't want to admit it.

This documentation of my journey through the loss of a parent has been such a positive outlet for me.

And I'm going to miss it.

But it is time.

I had three goals when I started writing all of this down.

1. Capture these thoughts so my children would know a little be more about me.
2. Possibly help someone else that is going through something similar.
3. To keep from exploding.

I know that there are a few more stories that I could tell but none of them serve any one of the three goals I've listed above.

So this will be the end of "You Are Out Of The Will" as I know it today.

I know that there have been a few of you that have been with me for a while. I thought I'd end it by sharing with you where some of the characters in this story have ended up today.

The Wood Lady

She recently visited my dad's parents at the River. She enjoyed being able to take a close look at the memory book the Commander created. She cried with my grandparents and my grandmother took the opportunity to give her a little of the Word (if you know what I mean). My grandmother told me later that my dad was about to break things off with her. I wonder if her grief would be different if she knew that. No point in telling her now.

Gidget and Moondoggie

They are still living in the duplex that my brother and I inherited. I stopped by to see them a couple of weeks ago but nobody answered the door. I gave them a $250 Home Depot card because I know that they pay for a lot of stuff that they probably shouldn't. Moondoggie's dad died not long after mine. I couldn't deal with that funeral. It was too soon for me.

Tripper

The best decision I made last year was to not rent my dad's place to Tripper. He had told me at the time that he was moving back east in a month and only needed a place to stay for a few weeks. When I went by that neighborhood last month, I saw him driving around in his car. That would have been a nuisance that I would have never escaped.

Fat Kathy

Haven't heard from her at all. I'm okay with that.

The Commander and her side of the family

Everyone is doing well. We'll be having Thanksgiving at our new house this next week. The Nerdle won't be in town for this one but she is threatening to come clean our garage out during the Christmas holiday.

The Commander is recovering well from delivering Pancake. No baby blues yet (keep your fingers crossed). She has been nothing short of amazing.

The Rabbi

He's back from Israel and working as a rabbi now. He and his wife just had a baby boy too. I'm glad that they are close by instead of halfway around the world.

Number 2

Of all of the changes that can be directly attributed to the death of my father, none make me happier than this one. Number 2 has completely turned his life around. He's going to transfer to a Cal State school sometime next year and pursue a teaching career. The transformation is nothing short of amazing. Now, if he would only get a haircut.

The Chicken

Is now 3 going on 13. I can already see that we will be butting heads for the next couple of decades. She is fiercely independent and just as stubborn as me. She's smart, funny, and charming. I think it may be a lethal combination for me. I love her more than words can express. She's the best.

Pancake

Does what two week old kids do. Poos, pees, eats, and sleeps. There is something a little strange about Pancake.

He looks like my dad.

It will be interesting to see how he turns out.

Me

For the most part, I'm okay. Work is good. Home is good. And I've discovered a voice that I can write in that can make others laugh and cry.

I'm especially pleased with that.

I recently put this blog into a Word document to get a sense for how much I had written here. I couldn't believe that it was 70,000 words. Enough people have given me the feedback that this has been an interesting read to make me want to explore another vehicle for this content. I'm not sure if I'll make this a screenplay or a short novel but I am going to take a look at what options might be out there.

Before I go, I want you to know that I have so appreciated being able to share this with you. I am so thankful for all of the feedback. I especially loved being able to talk to some of you about this experience. I hope that you enjoyed it and if you are part of "the club," I hoped it it helped you in some way to know that what you are feeling is shared by someone else.

There's one more person that I should probably thank.

Dad, I miss you today as much as I ever have. I thank you for all of the life lessons that you took the time to teach me. I know now that so much of what you did was driven by your love for your children. Thank you for doing the best job that you could possibly do.

Your number one son,

John

After Pancake

After Pancake was born and the Commander was ready to see people, I went down to the waiting room to get my in-laws and my mother. The nurses were going to let all three of them come in at once even though that put us over limit for number of guests in a labor and delivery room.

I got to the room and only my in-laws were in there.

"He's here." I told them.

Both of them were also waiting to hear that everything was okay with both their daughter and their first grandson.

I told them that the could see for themselves.

"Where's my mom?" I asked.

My father-in-law told me that she went to call her husband.

I decided not to wait for her and took my in-laws down to the room.

Once we got in there, I left them with the Commander and went looking for my Mom.

She was standing in the waiting room. A look of relief passed over her face as she saw me.

"Is he here?" she asked.

"Yep. Let's go see him."

We started walking down the hallway. There was an unintentional silence between us.

She finally broke the silence.

"I'm so sorry that your father isn't here to see this."

I couldn't even respond. I just shrugged my shoulders and continued walking.

What would have it been like? How would he reacted this time? When the Chicken was born, he kept himself at arm's length. More of a spectator than an active participant of my family.

I couldn't blame him. It was where our relationship was at.

I can't even imagine what it would have been like to experience this birth with him.

Mostly because it probably wouldn't have happened at all if he was still with us.

His death was the trigger for us to bring Pancake into this world.

He would have been excited.

He would have been proud.

And he would have loved the fact that we named him after both my father and my grandfather.

I guess that will have to be good enough.

VW

Short stack ordering!

For the one of you that checks this blog every day, you get the scoop!

It's close to midnight and we are just about ready to leave for the hospital to deliver Pancake.

Will post later after childbirth and a long nap.

VW

Get the Message Right - Part four

One of my earliest memories of my father is riding the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland with him.

It has always been my favorite attraction but until I was probably 10 years old, there was one part of the attraction that really freaked me out.

It was immediately after the ballroom scene when your doombuggy turns left and you find yourself in the attic of this Southern-style mansion.

It's where the pop ups begin and where I would hide behind my dad's back.

I would flinch each time I would hear one of the pop up scream and my dad would just laugh and tell me that they couldn't get me.

I couldn't help but thing about this now that I'm wandering the cemetery looking for my dad's grave.

I've only been to the grave site once, to pick it out.

And now I can't find it.

Everything here feels familiar but things have changed just enough that I can not find my dad.

I drive to a couple of different spots.

Trying not to intrude on the private moments that are happening all around.

There's a young Japanese girl watering a grave as if she was tending to a field of tulips.

There's an LAPD honor guard getting ready for a cop funeral. I think it is for a retired policeman. I haven't heard of a cop dying recently and I see a license plate that says "WUZFUZZ."

There's a Latino family putting fresh pin wheels on a child's grave.

I finally narrow my search down to a plot that is about 75 yards by 75 yards.

It feels right here.

There are no tombstones here and the markers are placed just under the level of the grass so it ends up covering the edges of the marker. Probably makes it easier to mow these massive lawns.

This patch of graves is also on a slight incline. Making me start to huff and puff and I move around trying to find where my dad is.

I spent a long time looking for him. Probably too long.

But I finally found it.

Right where I left him.

I stand on top of his grave and it feels a little....strange.

The ground is almost concave here. As if his weight has caused the ground to sink a bit here.

I cleared the grass off of his marker. It was the first time that I've seen it.

It's been more than a year since he's been gone and it is still so painful to deal with.

I wish I could tell him what has been going on.

That he's going to have a grandson.

That Number 2 is going to be a sophomore in college at age 35 (yes, R.B. he's still single).

That we bought a new house.

That I'm in a new job.

I don't say any of this. I hate it when characters in movies and tv shows do this.

So I stand there and stare at the marker and think.

I hear bagpipes off in the distance. Must be for the cop funeral.

I can't think of a good reason to stay here any longer.

I take a mental picture of what this place looks like just in case I ever come back here again.

Unless the Chicken or Pancake wants to see it sometime down the road, I don't think I'll ever be back.

VW

Get the Message Right - Part three

It takes me a second before I realize that I've just be escorted into an office that I've been in before.

I'm in my dad's old office.

The older man that invited me in asks me to have a seat.

"VW, what brings you here today?"

Shit. I have to tell that story again.

He tells me that there isn't a plaque here for my dad but he thinks it is amazing that I showed up today.

Suddenly, I feel less like crap.

"VW, I don't know how to tell you this without sounding like a kook but I saw your father on Tuesday night."

I'm stunned but it starts to make a little sense.

"I had one of the most vivid dreams that I have ever had on Tuesday night and your dad was in it. He walked right up to me and VW, he looked great. He looked like he used to when he had just returned from Hawaii. He had a Hawaiian shirt on with his shorts and Vans on."

I can already feel myself tearing up.

"I looked at him and said, Hey you S.O.B.! How the hell are you?"

I can't believe this is happening. He continued telling his story.

"Your dad told me that he was fine and that he was in a great place. I asked him if anyone else could see him and he said I was the only one right now. And then we walked together for a while before I woke up. I got up for a little bit and couldn't believe how vivid the dream was. I went back to sleep and I was right back in the dream and right back there with your dad."

I'm not quite crying but I feel like I have pools in my eyes.

"And now, three days later, you are sitting in my office."

I don't know what to say at this point. I tell him that I have had some very vivid dreams about him too but I haven't in quite some time.

He doesn't know what else to say to me but clearly he's not in a hurry for me to leave.

It is another example of something that is a little too weird to chalk up to coincidence.

The convergence of events that had to come together to get me to THAT office on THAT day to end up getting THAT message is just mind boggling.

I was meant to get that message.

There is no other explanation that I will except.

I thank him for his time and he thanks me for stopping by.

I don't feel like a jackass anymore.

I leave the office not caring that anyone is still staring at me.

I didn't get what I came here for.

But I ended up getting something far better than what I ever could have expected.

I got back into my car and made the left to head to the cemetery.

I had one more stop to make today.

VW

Get the Message Right - Part two

I spent the time in traffic wondering if I should really try to see this plaque.

I didn't call ahead of time.

I don't know if this plaque really exists.

I have a long time to think about this.

I'm afraid I'm going to get there and look like some freak.

I get to the parking lot and my dad's old work looks pretty much the same on the outside as it did 20 years ago (the last time I've been here).

I open the door and it is completely different. Instead of a large and open office, it feels like I just walked into a check cashing place. I'm in a small room behind bullet proof glass and I can see the office staff behind the class.

Why am I getting so nervous right now?

A cute hispanic girl with short hair smiles at me and I can barely hear her say "Can I help you?"

It takes me too long to get my story out. She looks confused.

"My dad used to work here. He died last year. I heard that there was a plaque up here honoring him. I'd like to see it."

She turns to another member of the office staff and asks if she's heard of this plaque.

The other office staff member just says "That guy died last year."

The cute girl that was trying to help me says "Yeah. That's his son right there."

The other office staff member makes eye contact with me and covers her mouth. I tell her that it's okay.

I get invited back into the office.

I feel like people are starting to freak out that I'm there.

They bring me back to a guy in the office that is probably in his late 40's. I introduce myself and he tells me how much he liked my dad.

I ask him if there is a plaque up hanging up here to honor my dad.

He tells me that there isn't.

I'm an idiot. I'm a fucking idiot.

Why did I come here and my a jackass out of myself? FUCK!

These people are going to tell my dad's friends that I did this. And those people are going to tell my grandparents.

I just want to get out of here and go to the cemetery.

The guy I was talking to asks me to leave my phone number with the office manager in case anything comes up.

I give the office manager my new phone number while she tells me how much she enjoyed working with my dad.

While I'm doing this, I can feel everyone in the office starting at me.

All semblance of normal office activity has now stopped.

One guy in his early 50's comes out of his office to see what is going on. He stares at me while I'm talking with the office manager.

He looks like he has just seen a ghost.

I look up at him and he looks afraid. After what seems like an eternity, he says something to me.

"VW, when you are done there, could you step into my office for a minute?"

"Of course." I respond.

He disappears back into his office.

I have no idea what he wants to talk to me about.

I just want to leave.

VW

Get the Message Right - Part one

The last month has been a crazy one for me.

70+ hours per week at work.

The Commander barfing almost non-stop (who has morning sickness for 9 months?).

The Chicken finally hitting the terrible two's.

Moving to a new house without selling our old one first. (The old one finally sold).

As one of my friends might put it, there hasn't been a lot of "me" time lately.

Things have calmed down a bit so I took a three day weekend as we leave September and head into October.

After taking the Chicken to pre-school, I thought I'd take the day to do a couple of things that I had been meaning to do for a while.

I hadn't had a chance to check out the marker that we finally got for my father's grave.

And while I was out there, there was something else that I needed to check out that Number 2 told me about.

Number 2 wears a lot of the t-shirts that have to do with my dad's employer. I'm not sure why he still wears them.

He was at a meeting one night and a guy approached him and asked if Number 2 worked there.

Number 2 shared with him that he was retired and that he had received this shirt from his father who used to work there.

The guy that approached Number 2 put something together and realized that he knew who our father was and that he had passed away last year.

In fact, he thought that the place that my dad had worked at had put up some sort of plaque to honor his memory.

Number 2 told me about this months ago.

I wanted to see that plaque.

And since that location was really close to the graveyard, I thought I'd kill two birds with one stone on my big day off.

I decided to go to his work first.

VW

Just a Moment...This Might Take a Minute

After nearly a year of facing the dining room corner like a three year old that just received a "time out," my dad's 60 inch Sony Wega is back in operation.

He had purchased it (and a new leather recliner) just a few months before he died.

When Number 2 and I started splitting items of value up, he ended up with pretty much everything.

Except for the television.

I didn't have a place for it but I knew it would find a home eventually.

And three weeks ago, it finally did.

My family made the move we had been talking about and are now in a larger house getting ready for a new arrival.

It was surprisingly tough leaving a last home behind.

I couldn't figure out why but then I realized that it was the last place I saw my father.

I'll never be in the place where I saw my father for the last time.

As long as I was in that house, I could picture him coming through the door or sitting on our couch.

But now we are in a new place and his memory doesn't quite fit in here.

So I spent tonight setting up my Season Passes on my Tivo that is hooked up to my dad's tv.

I wonder what he'd be watching tonight.

VW