The Big Booty Call - conclusion

I didn't want to call Fat Kathy from home just in case she had caller ID.

This is going to be the only conversation that I have with her.

I brought my cell phone into work and once the morning got underway, I snuck away from my desk around 10 a.m. and sat on some stone benches just outside my office building.

I'm kind of freaking out about this call because I have no plan. When the Commander and I first started dating, I used to create an outline of potential conversation topics (I know. I'm a geek. But it worked for me.).

But for this conversation, there was nothing to plan.

I dialed her number and pressed connect on my phone. There was no turning back now.

She picked up the phone on the third ring and answered with the name of the medical office that she works at (is that where she met my dad?).

I know it's her. I remember her voice. But I still ask, "May I speak with Kathy please?"

"Is this VW?" she asked.

A million seconds pass before I answer with a meek "yes."

"VW, thank you so much for finding me."

What am I supposed to say to that but, "you're welcome."

"VW, I have to tell you something. Your father was so proud of you and your brother. He would brag about you boys at every opportunity and I just want you to know that you meant the world to him."

Great. I'm sitting outside my office building with many of my peers walking by and I have to hide my head because Fat Kathy has just broken me in only three sentences.

I silently sob until I can get out and even meeker "thank you."

"What happened?" she asked.

I went on to explain what Number 2 and I had been going through over the last few weeks leading up to this conversation.

I didn't tell her about finding the letter that she wrote. I wanted to spare both of us any embarrassment that might have caused.

She then went on to tell me about their relationship.

"I met your father shortly after your parents divorced in 1980 when I was 25 (Holy Shit! Fat Kathy is 50 now!). I loved him very much and we had a very special relationship that could just never advance past what is was."

"I thought that he loved me. He told me that he did. But I also got the sense that he never got over the divorce."

"Your mother was the love of his life and the regret that he had for letting the divorce happen....well...it was a big burden for him to carry."

I'm stunned now. I don't know how to respond. My parents have been divorced for since I was 10 (Holy Shit! I'm 35 now!) and it no longer seems right to think of them as being man and wife.

"VW, I haven't seen your dad in a couple of years. I got married five years ago and we haven't talked much since then."

You see, there IS somebody for everyone. I congratulate her on five years of marriage.

"Could you tell me where he is buried?"

I tell her the cemetery but the truth is she'll never find him. I haven't put the grave marker in yet. I've paid for it but I just can't do that final act.

Not yet.

Because while I recognize that he is gone, the moment that grave marker goes in is the final thing that I need to do to say goodbye to him.

And I'm not ready yet.

"VW, thank you so much for calling me. I have to go now."

And with that, our conversation is over.

I wipe my eyes and leave the stone bench for my cube in my office.

I stare at my work computer for the rest of the day.

Is anything ever going to go back to being normal?

VW